I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
