enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm like, not good at living.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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