Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
