i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
