Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
