On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
