So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
worst night to have a conscience
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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