I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
