just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
