i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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