He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
