So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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