Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
