My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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