thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
