Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize