My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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