I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
