I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
