i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
