3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
