first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
