I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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