as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
