Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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