the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
whose parrot is this?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
