She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bring money and cleavage
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
