I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize