hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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