i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
