I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
