when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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