I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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