i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
