God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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