gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
