Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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