totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
