Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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