This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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