at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
