Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
