I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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