Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
