well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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