woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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