filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So many bounce houses so little time
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
