woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
