just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
