Moan for me like Helen Keller
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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