Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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