shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
