My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
