So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
