Are we in a gay sports bar?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
