I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
