while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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